Contrary to the common saying, there are stupid questions—often asked by equally stupid people. Every day, while driving for Uber, I get asked at least one stupid question, and I do my best to answer it without popping a blood vessel. But purely for your entertainment, I’ve got all the stupid questions and all the answers I wish I could spout back.
- “You don’t drive at night, do you?”
No. Never. Everyone knows that as soon as the sun sets, I automatically get raped, murdered, and/or maimed.
- “You don’t drive in sketchy neighborhoods, right?”
If I could, I’d intentionally seek out the sketchiest of neighborhoods. Unfortunately, I have to go wherever Uber tells me to, which is usually Santa Monica where I pick up oblivious, humorless accountants like you.
- “Do you actually like Led Zeppelin or do you just keep it on for old people?”
I guess because I’m 24, I’m not allowed to actually like Led Zeppelin. Is that it, you ignorant, ageist nitwit?
- “Are you sure you’re old enough to have a driver’s license?”
No, I’m not sure about anything anymore.
- “So, is this your only job?”
I get this one a lot and I’m still not sure how to answer it. I mean, it’s basically how I pay my rent right now, but I also do about one million other things—paid and unpaid—so no? But if it were my only job would that be such a bad thing? What’s with all the judgment?!? Leave me alone!
- “Let me guess, you’re another one of those struggling actresses?”
No, but if I were, that would be an incredibly rude, insensitive thing to ask. Idiot.
- Gross, British white guy wearing bling: “Do you ever have issues with the guys you drive?”
You mean guys like you? Um, yeah, all the time. Thanks for asking.
- Stoner: “Can you drive me through Del Taco?”
Get your own ass through Del Taco. I don’t get paid enough for your shenanigans, sir.
- A real New York housewife: “Why are you doing this?”
Me: “To pay the rent.”
NY housewife: “But there are lots of ways to do that.”
Like marrying rich?
- A real Beverly Hills cleaning lady: “Why are you doing this?”
Cleaning lady: “It’s too dangerous. Get yourself in a nice office making fifty an hour. I never want to see you again!”
You never want to see me again? Really? Because I thought we were making a connection for a second there. No? Shoot. Making friends in LA is hard.